If you and your boyfriend were in my office for a counseling session, I would be conscious of three patients before me: you, your boyfriend and the relationship. While the relationship itself is very important, it’s never more important than either of you.

Let’s start with you.
I’d like you to seriously ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship with someone who has very little in common with you. Is great sex and getting along with each other really enough or are you settling for less? You’re the only one who can answer that. If, after pondering the question, you decide your boyfriend is someone you feel deeply about and, in turn, believe you are being nourished and cared for in other ways, we need to examine the age-old question of how to resolve a relationship’s shortcomings without losing one’s own identity in the process. You take care of yourself by eating well, exercising and being active. Never lose sight of those values and practices.

Now let’s look at your boyfriend.
If being with you hasn’t influenced your boyfriend toward a healthy lifestyle, I have to wonder why. Is he depressed? Is his self-esteem low? Does he lack self-discipline? Or maybe your boyfriend is happy with his current lifestyle. Perhaps he’s busy following a dream of being a businessman or a rock musician and has relegated everything else to the backburner. Carefully listen and find out why he lives the way he does.

Third, let’s look at the relationship.
Couples are often individually different in style and expression of personality and even different in what they value most in life. If you and your boyfriend are going to evolve into a healthy couple, it’s important to communicate clearly with each other and work out a life together that accepts and respects each other’s differences.

Try this.
I’d recommend the following “homework” for both of you once a week: Have your boyfriend teach you something he's passionate about that would benefit and uplift your life (like learning to play a musical instrument), and share something with him that’s important to you (like healthy cooking or running). Love, respect and acceptance are crucial components to a successful relationship.

ANSWERED BY:

Patti Carmalt-Vener, M.F.T., a psychotherapist in private practice for 23 years in Los Angeles.
patticarmalt-vener.com